The Use of Narrative Therapy in the Transformative Work of Grief

02Mar11

The Use of Narrative Therapy in the Transformative Work of Grief

Author: Beth Patterson

Helen Keller has said that “the only way to get to the other side is to go through the door.”  This is certainly true in the work of transforming grief into healing and growth. This process involves allowing ourselves to feel the intense emotions of grief – sadness, anger, despair and other difficult emotions, as well as tapping into our internal strengths and external sources of support and ultimately finding new ways to stay connected to our departed loved ones through memorial trees

Narrative therapy and has been used with a wide variety of difficulties and issues, including grief reactions.  The role of the narrative therapist is as collaborator or co-author with the client.  As such, the narrative therapist partners with the client to explore the stories that give meaning to the client’s life (White, 1995).  Carr (1998) describes the context of narrative therapy as follows:

Within a narrative frame, human problems are viewed as arising from and being maintained by oppressive stories which dominate the person’s life….Developing therapeutic solutions to problems, within the narrative frame, involves opening space for the authoring of alternative stories, the possibility of which have previously been marginalized by the dominant oppressive narrative which maintains the problem (p. 468).

Narrative therapy is thus an empowering vehicle for “re-authoring lives” (Carr, 1998, p. 468; White, 1995), in which the therapist takes the role of a partner or collaborator with the client, rather than an authority figure (Angell, Dennis & Dumain, 1999).. The narrative therapist partners with the client to create a safe place to feel the emotions of grief, and to explore the stories that give meaning to the client’s life. The use of narrative or story is a useful vehicle for making meaning and sense of difficult experiences in our lives, by allowing us to access alternative cognitions and gain self-knowledge…

A narrative therapy tool that is often used in grief work is the use of written expression, such as journaling and letter writing.  This can be a powerful vehicle for expressing the emotions of grief and accessing the individual’s unique internal resources and strength, as well as a means of enforcing continuing bonds with the deceased and keeping him or her in the bereaved person’s life as an internalized source of strength and guidance.

Accessing Spiritual Beliefs and Strengths through Narrative Therapy

The collaborative approach of the narrative therapist can be useful for accessing the client’s spiritual strengths by respectful inquiry into the client’s worldviews, including his or her beliefs before the loss, and how they may have changed since the loss, and discussing spiritual and existential issues that arise in this context. (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2000, p. 167).

As one gets in touch on a deep level with his or her own suffering and resiliency in the face of that suffering, he or she can begin to get a panoramic view of the human condition and tap into his or her spiritual strength. Religious and spiritual beliefs have been observed to be one way in which individuals create meaning and a sense of order and purpose to the human condition, life and death, as well as creating an ongoing relationship with the deceased (Golsworthy & Coyne, 1999; Calhoun & Tedeschi 2000).

My Theoretical Perspective

The strength-based and holistic approach I use with my grieving clients, through the use of techniques of narrative and solution-focused therapy, is informed by my Buddhist practice.  In particular, I come to each session with my clients with the ground that each human being possesses inherent wisdom, or Buddha Nature, and that this wisdom can be called upon to access the individual’s strengths and resilience in times of suffering.  As Stephen Levine (1982) notes, grief fully experienced allows us to “plumb the depths” of our souls and to “touch something essential in [our] being….[W]hat is often called tragedy holds the seeds of grace” (pp. 85-86). Those “seeds of grace” are the basic goodness and inherent wisdom possessed by all, and it is my job as a collaborator or partner in the journey of grief to support my clients to get in touch with the strengths that they possess, but which may be obscured by the intensity of their feelings of helplessness and loss.  Through narrative therapy, including the use of literary and other creative forms of expression, clients are able to create some space around that intensity, which in turn gives them some perspective and hope for change and transformation.

The broader perspective that can be reached through narrative therapy techniques can put the client in touch with both the uniqueness of his or her own loss, and the universality of grief and suffering.  Paradoxically, contemplating the universal truth of suffering can open us to acceptance and peace.  As His Holiness the Dalai Lama (1998) observes, “if we can transform our attitude towards suffering, adopt an attitude that allows us greater tolerance of it, then this can do much to help counteract feelings of mental unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and discontent” (p. 140).

Through allowing ourselves to experience and express our suffering, we can find a meaningful way to grow, transforming hopelessness into hope and possibility.  The use of journaling and other narrative therapy techniques can foster the realization that grief is an integral component of the human condition.  Through experiencing our own unique grief, we can tap into its universality, lessening our hopelessness and isolation, and deepening our connection with others and the human condition.  This is the transpersonal and transformative work of healing grief.

Clinical Application and Discussion

“Peggy”:  A Story of Abuse and Resilience
“Peggy” came to therapy to deal with her conflicting feelings after the recent death of her mother.  Peggy had been her mother’s caregiver in the last months of her mother’s life.  In our first session, Peggy recounted that her mother was an alcoholic, and that she has a history of alcohol abuse as well.  She also told me of the emotional abuse she experienced at the hands of her father, and her mother’s failure to protect her from that abuse. In addition, Peggy was experiencing distress about her conflicted relationship with her siblings – which is often exacerbated and magnified by the death of a key family member.

During our next session, I encouraged Peggy to tell me the story of her relationship with her mother, and how that relationship transformed from one of recrimination over her mother’s failure to protect Peggy from her father’s abuse to one of forgiveness and intimacy.  I was able to get Peggy in touch with the knowledge that her mother’s death does not mean she is no longer a source of support and strength for her. Peggy agreed with my suggestion, as her therapeutic partner, to write a letter to her mother to reinforce her continued attachment to her mother as a source of spiritual strength.

The process of writing the letter to her mother yielded some unexpected rewards for Peggy.  She surprised herself by her ability to not only acknowledge her continued love for her mother, but also to finally express anger toward her mother for her mother’s role in perpetuating the alcohol-fueled dysfunction in her family, and thus to let go of her family role of being the “good girl”.  Peggy was empowered by this newfound ability to express herself more authentically.

A key narrative therapy intervention is to affirm the availability of the client’s social network to support his or her grief work.  Part of this process is learning who is a source of support, and who is not.  Peggy has excellent support from friends at her church who share her spirituality, and she realized that it would be far better to turn to them for support at this time, rather than to her family.  At the same time, I acknowledged and validated that giving up the hope that her family can be a source of support at this time was a secondary loss resulting in another experience of grief.  My acknowledgement of this fact was reassuring to Peggy and helped normalize her process.   In addition, I worked with Peggy to link her use of this strength and self-awareness in the past to her current circumstances.  She was thus able to see that she is not a victim of her family of origin, but rather, has some control over the course of her life and the process of her grief.

Peggy now has some tools for healing.  She knows on a core level the strengths she has to move forward.  She feels empowered by her mother’s continued supportive presence in her life and has a renewed faith in her spiritual strength and resiliency.
Considerations for the use of Narrative Therapy

Despite my successful experience with the use of narrative therapy in accessing continued attachment as a source of strength in grief, other interventions may first need to be used before certain clients have the ability to fully experience the feelings of grief and transform them into healing and growth.

My work with “Frank”, an eighty year old widower, is illustrative.  Frank’s wife “Paula” died after a long bout with dementia.  Frank reported that, despite a long and loving marriage, a byproduct of Paula’s dementia was extreme anger toward him. I attempted to do a life review with Frank to see if he could gain some perspective, but in telling the story of his life with Paula, he consistently berated himself.   I realized that a narrative therapy life review would have been counterproductive at that point, and that narrative therapy interventions would only be useful with Frank if he were able to let go of some of his distress and internalized self-blame.  I therefore used Gestalt techniques to work with Frank to release the power of his wife’s anger, and cognitive behavioral approaches to foster Frank’s self-care and self-esteem and to help him realize that he did not have to hold on to the blame and shame his wife had instilled in him.  I also helped Frank access other avenues of support, such as emotional support from his son, social support at the local senior center and a grief support group.

As a result of continued work with Frank’s feelings of blame and shame and Frank’s availing himself of his sources of support, Frank became less distressed about feeling Paula’s presence.  He found that he was now able to tell the story of his life with Paula without internalizing her anger.  It was only after the use of other interventions that Frank was able to re-author his story, and he came to feel Paula’s presence in his life as his guardian angel.
Conclusion

Narrative therapy can be an effective tool for working with the emotions and grief and finding new meaning in one’s life.  The process of expression literally takes deep feelings out of the body, externalizing them so that they become workable. Through this process, grieving clients are able to see that they have some control over their lives, and can tap into their strengths and their inherent wisdom.  With my guidance as a partner on the path of healing grief, my clients can discover their unique strengths, resources and resiliency, deepen their spiritual beliefs, and enhance the meaning of their lives in the context of the human condition.

About the Author

Beth Patterson, MA, is a counselor in Denver whose therapeutic style is client-centered, grounded in wellness, not sickness, blending solution-focused, contemplative, body-centered and cognitive-behavioral approaches Beth can be reached here and Therapist San Francisco

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Regaining Hope through Grief Counseling after Losing a One

02Mar11

After the passing of a loved one, family and friends may experience intense feelings of grief. Grief plagues them with hopelessness, anger, despair, loss of direction, deep sadness and a great feeling of loss. Losing a family member or close friend is not something that a person “simply gets over” or even “just gets through”; they must come to terms with the loss, recognize the positive aspects of the situation, and continue on with their life as a happy, healthy person.

In 1969 Elisabeth Kübler-Ross  described the five stages of grief as:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

For most, the stages do not progress in a systematic manner. Any of the stages can happen at any time throughout the process, and avoiding grieving will only cause them to be prolonged. Grief counseling is a powerful tool that can help those who have lost loved ones regain hope and move positively through the five stages of grief.

Grief counseling addresses the challenges that present themselves after losing a loved one and confronts them head on. It helps that person cope with the natural reactions to loss in a way that allows them to continue with their everyday life. The counseling may be carried out through individual sessions but is most common in group sessions. Typically grief counseling in a group setting allows for people to share their similar feelings with one another and not feel so isolated by their situation. The meetings can be led by the group collectively, a professional or a grief counselor.

Grief counseling teaches those who have lost someone close to them methods to reduce unhealthy coping mechanisms. It allows the person to express their emotions and talk through the recovery process. The goal of grief counseling is to help a person reach the acceptance stage of grief. It is at this juncture that the person can experience sadness without it crippling their everyday functions. They can slowly begin to feel peace about the loss.

Grief counseling differs from grief therapy in that the behavior does not need to be stopped or changed. The role of the group, professional, or counselor is to be there for the grieving person and actively listen to what they are expressing. This allows the person to expel the emotions in a healthy manner without rushing or avoiding the feelings, stages and overall process of grief.

After losing a loved one some funeral homes will refer the family and friends to grief counseling sessions. It is important to understand that not everyone grieves in the same manner. Some will jump on the opportunity to participate, while others will shrink away and wish to spend reflective time by themselves. Grief counseling is an excellent tool for those who are debilitated by grief in that it helps them regain hope and functionality in their lives.  In the unfortunate loss of a loved one, it is strongly encouraged to incorporate such sessions into the planning process.

 

Coats Funeral Home, founded in 1925 in Detroit, Michigan, has remained a trusted and experienced community resource. Today the Coats family and its staff offer compassionate and personalized funeral services in Waterford, Ortonville, and Clarkston. Visit http://www.CoatsFuneralHome.com for details.

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Excessive Tiredness Cured By Dealing With Grief

02Mar11

It is doubtful that any human will ever go through life without experiencing grief. According to the National Mental Health Information Center, grief is the normal response to sorrow, emotion and confusion that comes from losing someone or something important to you.  Dealing with grief becomes necessary whenever you are dealing with a death or a loss and if one ignores the need for dealing with grief emotional symptoms may turn physical, affecting every area of your life.

What Causes Grief?

Grief is caused by the loss of someone or something that is important to you. Many people associate grief to the death of a person such as a spouse, parent or child, but the loss of a job, a move away from family or friends, and a divorce are also common things that cause grief.  Dealing with grief is important no matter what is the cause of that grief.  Grief varies from person to person, from a few months to years, and a lack of dealing with grief can create long term negative effects and even physical symptoms such as fatigue, which will be explained further below.

Dealing with Grief Takes Four Steps

Generally speaking there are four steps in the grieving process. That means there are four steps you go through which help you to deal with it. They are:

1)      Acceptance of the loss

Acceptance of the loss means that you are no longer denying that the loss occurred, or trying to pretend that the loss can be undone if it cannot.

2)      You feel physical and emotional symptoms of pain and begin to address those symptoms individually and deal with them.

Often times dealing with loss means actually feeling emotional and physical pains.  Each of these feelings should not be ignored or brushed off, but dealt with individually as they come. For example, if you’re feeling excessive tiredness as many who are grieving to, you should explore ways to reduce your fatigue. There are a number of herbs and vitamins that can help you overcome fatigue. Some of the vitamins and herbs that may have a positive effect on fatigue are vitamin C, B100 Complex, Magnesium Citrate, Ashwagandha, and Cordyceps to name a few. But vitamins and herbs, if taken in the wrong volumes can also cause their own set of problems., so discuss these choices with health and fitness experts.

One proven cure to fatigue that has been well adopted by the medical industry is anti-oxidants. You may have heard this term used a lot lately in regards to the healing properties anti-oxidants may have on cancerous cells in the body, but anti-oxidant foods also help to reduce the amount of free radicals in the body – the same free radicals that cause a condition known as oxidative stress, which is a leading cause of fatigue. Even though your fatigue may be rooted in emotional grief, helping to reduce the physical symptoms of fatigue can help you work through the second stage of grief more quickly.

3)      Adjustment to the world that the loss left behind, without that person or thing you lost

You’ve probably heard the expression, “she would want you to go on” told to a grieving person after the loss of a loved one. As trite as this may sound, going on is an important step of the grieving process that each person has to go through. Going on means that you adjust to the world that you’re still part of, even though the person or thing that you lost isn’t with you anymore.

4)      Move on with life

There is no set amount of time that is right for every person in which to finish the fourth and final step of the loss process which is moving on with life. Moving on is when you fully and completely return to a normal state of living in this world. It doesn’t mean you won’t still think about the loss or even occasionally still feel physical or emotional symptoms but it does mean that those symptoms are no longer keeping you from living your life.  Dealing with grief is only completed when all four of these steps have been completed.

In all, loss is a natural thing in life and every one of us will experience it. The four stages of grief are also normal, and the emotional and physical symptoms that you experience should not be ignored, but should be dealt with one by one as they occur.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/excessive-tiredness-cured-by-dealing-with-grief-1863937.html

About the Author

Kevin Rush, www.FatiguetoFitin30Days.com. Download a free report to overcome fatigue in 30 days or less at www.FatiguetoFitin30Days.com.

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Grief Following Cremation

02Mar11

Please God, I am feeling sad, help me find my way. Give me the will to rebuild my life in spite of my suffering, to choose life, and see its many gifts, even in the face of death. When I feel lost and empty, teach me to see that I am not alone. Show me that you are with me as is my loved one. Kindle within me the flame of hope, God. Help me write and cleanse my soul.

Grief is the three N’s

• Normal
  Grief is normal, because our human response to loss has always been to express grief. When we are born, our response to the loss of the comfort and safety of the womb is to cry. Grief is the space God gives us to feel feelings of loss and separations.
• Natural
  naturally expressing our inner feelings of sadness through tears or activities such as exercise can rid the body of toxins stress chemicals and elicit support communion from our family and friends.
• Necessary
  Necessary, for many studies have shown that grief denied is merely grief delayed. Many somatic complaints that land people in the hospitals or other doctors’ care have their foundation in emotional pain.

Definition of Grief

Grief is the physical, emotional and mental condition brought on by a loss, or the death of someone you love. Grief is our body’s natural ability to heal our emotional injury.

Coping With Your Grief

Grief following cremation – How can you overcome the problems of grief? You must first recognize that grief is necessary, and that it is something you must work through. There is no shortcut through grief.

Both before and after the funeral, it its important that you express your feelings. Take time to cry and don’t be afraid to share your tears with other mourners. Talk openly with family members and friends – it helps them as much as it does you. Don’t try to “protect” them by hiding your sadness. Express your anger if you are feeling it. This is the time when you do lean on friends. They may feel awkward because they don’t know how to talk to you about your loss, but let them know what you need, and how you would like them to help you.

The strain of grief following cremation can take a physical toll as well. It’s not unusual for the bereaved to lose weight, experience difficulty sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath. So remember to watch your health. You need to eat well and get enough sleep. Try to exercise because physical activity can often help offset depression and provide an outlet for your emotional energy.

What if you can’t seem to handle your grief following cremation? It is difficult to say when a person needs professional help, but if you are worried that you aren’t coping with your grief, it is time to seek help. You may be relieved to discover that you are simply reacting in normal ways. If you believe you need help, ask a clergy member, doctor or contact a grief counselor.

Remember that as time goes on, your grief will diminish. This does not mean you will forget your loved one – it means you accept the death and can no longer enjoy the deceased person’s physical presence. Sometimes…you never recover…you just learn to endure. But he or she will still be a part of your life. Even though your relationship with your loved one has changed forever, its existence and your feelings live on forever.

Taking Care of Yourself

During the first few days after a death, family and friends surround you. You are busy planning the funeral and may not have time to think about yourself until later when you are alone with your grief. After you’ve planned the funeral, take care of yourself.

You can expect to experience a wide range of emotions. Grieving is hard work, and you may feel tired and lethargic without understanding why. Lighten your schedule if you can, eat healthy foods and exercise to renew your energy. Take time to be alone with your thoughts, but also spend time talking to close friends about your loss. You need to express your emotions. Feel and express your emotions. It is okay to cry, to laugh, or to be silent. Write things down about your feelings, your wishes, regrets and joys. Give yourself breaks from grieving to rest, have fun and be nurtured. Try to eat well. Try to get your sleep. Above all, give yourself time. Visit our website for Cremation Funeral Services

About the Author

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How Can a Vision Board Assist in Grief Recovery – 5 Ways to Process Grief

02Mar11

Grieving is a personal thing and it doesn’t matter what you are grieving about, it could be the loss of a spouse, a relationship, a pet, a parent, a child, retirement, moving, financial and health issues; no matter what it is, grief recovery is a personal journey with many questions.

Grief recovery is the journey we take from the devastating effects of grief, you know your life has been affected by the loss and many times you just don’t know what to do to heal yourself and deal with the emotions your are experiencing. Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss; and you want to be sure and not put off your grief recovery work, as that could be potentially dangerous. Unresolved grief is the cause of much discomfort and can tend to create the feelings of not being in the moment and dealing with the grief as the feelings come up. Grief recovery and/or loss are accomplished by a series of small and definite choices made by the griever.

There are five things that are very beneficial for someone faced with grief recovery, they can all be done and used on a regular basis; or you can pick out the ones that seem to resonate with you the best:

Grief Recovery

Support Group

Vision Map Video

Books, Poems, Affirmations

Guided Imagery

Counseling

Simply defined, grief is the normal and natural reaction to significant emotional loss of any kind, it is normal and natural but many of the ideas we have been taught about dealing with grief just don’t seem to help us thru the pain and the suffering. Even though grief is an emotional response to loss, it seems the information we have acquired about dealing with loss is intellectual; which brings up the fact that the emotions related to grief are as varied as there are people and personalities.

Vision Boards, which can also be called Vision Maps, are a great tool to use as a visualization tool to map the way you want your “new” life to look. Now there are Vision Map Videos, which can be watched on a daily basis and can be more private than a vision board that is out there for all to see. They can be viewed in private on a computer, blackberry, palm pilot and any of the other electrical devices that are out there.

An important part of grief recover is support groups; this is where you can find help and healing with others that are in the same situation of dealing with loss. Groups support the journey of renewal after the loss and offer the opportunity to meet with others to begin to understand the grief; to rebuild ones life and helps the grieving person move from pain to healing.

While there are isn’t a wrong or right way to grieve, support groups offer comfort until you can handle the grief by yourself and it helps individuals to learn to cope and live with their loss and trauma, to move forward with their life.

 

Darlene has researched and practiced many spiritual and personal growth paths and now is presenting Vision Map Videos to further enlighten and enrich the life of others thru visual perceptions. Receive her f.ree Inspiration For Daily Lives Newsletter. This is where you can see her most current Vision Map Video Spirited Boutique Darlene Siddons

Filed under: Coping With Grief Loss, Dealing With Grief and Loss, grief Process, Grief Therapy, grieving Process, grieving Techniques   |  Leave a Comment
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Holidays Grief

02Mar11

Grief is the winter of emotional life, and a holidays grief can be complicated by the season, which has the Norman Rockwell picture of family gathered together to share good cheer.

There is usually a fire in the fire place, and stockings hung with care, and lots of smiles and presents, and for those of us who have had losses during the holiday season, the invitation is to ignore anniversary grief.

Grief is difficult to ignore, though, so an understanding of the process of grief, and its length can be helpful so we can weave holidays grief effectively into our lives during the holiday season.

Once I have a feel for the holidays grief process, I can recognize it and honor it and even create a plan to process grief if need be.

Please remember that grief is an internal feeling, and it can be difficult to experience, without some training, while mourning is my external expression of grief, a visit to a grave or creating a small altar containing a momento or two.

I have done grief work and led many grieving processes in experiential groups and workshops.

The part of grief that seems so overwhelming is what seems to be out of control crying and sobbing.

Once you get to that place a couple of times, and recognize that it will not last forever, and that there is a huge sense of relief that comes from letting go of that pain, you feel much more secure in touching the pain, even creating a place and time to do that, so the grief and mourning become part of your life, rather than all of your life.

And if your anniversary is during the holidays, or your loss is during the holidays, you can create some rituals for yourself that make it possible to acknowledge your grief and mourn appropriately while still moving on with the here and now.

Part of that planning might include a recognition of the season and the Winter Solstice and the need for increased vitamin D and full spectrum sunlight.

Many cultures celebrate a festival of light at the end of the year, and I think it is important to acknowledge those traditions for us human beings, and know that holidays grief and mourning can be impacted by the lack of sunlight.

Give yourself permission to be alone, and to enjoy some privacy with a small treat or two.

Enjoy a humorous memory, and have a moments gratitude for the blessings shared with your loved one.

If your holiday grief demands a cancellation of the holiday, you can certainly do that also.

Research how our culture has handled mourning and the signals it is ok to send to the external world about your internal emotions and your mourning.

How did our culture evolve our current grieving process?

Hint; We have not always had the traditions we currently display. How has commercialization impacted our holidays grief?

My point is that you do not need to do what is culturally accepted for your grief, it is a wonderful gift to yourself to create your own ritual.

When my younger brother died unexpectedly in September of 2001, I created a funeral service for him, and my sister and I and her husband Jerry and my brother’s best friend created a service for him that honored his memory.

As the dawn came, I prepared the earth for him, and a stone, and we said our prayers, and said goodbye as best we could, and I visit him in my prayers every day. We celebrated his gifts to us, and remembered times from our childhood when we were close.

And then we went about our lives. My son who was three at the time, helped pick stones that we put into the earth with him, and played nearby as we said goodbye and returned my brother to the Earth.

At dusk, I returned to smudge again, and I hope we got him sent off ok.

We used native traditions mostly, since his lifestyle did not reflect a commitment to spiritual principals, and his friends, who have come to his grave from around the country have celebrated in their own way, one by leaving two cans of Coors beer by his stone. I hope they are still there.

The point is that we can create our own funerals and rituals to honor our grief.

They will be as individual as our losses.

Seeds of Life Oak Tree Kit

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/fitness-articles/holidays-grief-1627848.html

About the Author

Michael S. Logan is a brain fitness expert, a counselor, a student of Chi Gong, and licensed one on one HeartMath provider. I enjoy the spiritual, the mythological, and psychological, and I am a late life father to Shane, 10, and Hannah Marie, 4, whose brains are so amazing. http://www.askmikethecounselor2.com

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Coping With Grief: Healthy Solutions

02Mar11

Grief and bereavement are horrible but natural parts of life. It’s inevitable that someone you know and love will die someday, and grief is a normal part of recovering from such a loss. Grief isn’t easy; it is painful, debilitating, and can leave you feeling empty and alone. The best thing you can do is find constructive, positive ways to deal with your grief before it cripples you or causes long-term harm to your mental and physical health.

Grief is a term used to describe any number of negative psychological states that occur after the death of a friend or family member. Depression, sorrow, apathy and lethargy are very common consequences of grief. Recognizing your grief is the first step in coping with it and moving on. Ignoring grief is a dangerous and temporary fix, and can do major harm in the long run.

Grief is separated into five common “stages of grief”; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Developed in 1969 by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the five stages of grief act as your guide to grief, cluing you in as to what emotions you should expect after the death of a loved one. They by no means apply to everyone — grief affects different people in different ways — but knowing what emotions are common amongst the bereaved will help you through your grieving process.

There are a number of ways to cope with grief in a healthy, positive way. Some people seek out spiritual guidance from pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader. Some people prefer the more structured support of a psychologist or support group. Others might briefly seek out isolation as a time to reflect on the memory of their loved one. Whatever path you choose in dealing with your grief, remember; as long as you are not doing yourself or anyone else harm, there is no wrong method. Pick what works best for you and surround yourself with people that support your grieving process.

One of the most popular forms of coping with grief is to find a support group or enter counseling. Surrounding yourself with supportive people, especially ones that have been through or are currently going through the same thing you are going through will help lift your spirits when you’re feeling low and sustain them when you’re feeling good. Support can come in many forms; religious congregations, family members, friends, discussion groups, or counseling. It can be as simple as having someone to take a walk with or a friendly chat with a coworker. Whatever form your support system takes, make sure it is consistent and positive.

Another great way to cope with grief is to stay busy. Find a creative outlet and let yourself get lost in it. Arts and crafts, home improvement projects, and keeping a journal are all great ways to keep your mind focused and yourself productive. You can even combine your creativity with the memory of your loved one by starting a memorial journal or scrapbook. These are great ways to honor the deceased and deal with grief.

Make sure you exercise and maintain a healthy diet during your grieving process. Many people fall into unhealthy patterns that keep them from progressing past their grief and ultimately cause them long-term health problems.

Grief is difficult, yes, but it is not impossible to deal with. By surrounding yourself with a positive support system, making healthy lifestyle choices, and keeping busy, you will find that your grief will soon fade and you’ll be left with the wonderful memory of a life you are glad you were a part of.

~Ben Nystrom, 2009
We invite you to learn more about creating virtual memorials and how they can help families dealing with grief at Virtual Memorial online.

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Therapy for Grief

02Mar11

The best therapy for grief is time and community. We humans have been dealing with death since we began, and every culture, every clan, every family, has created some kind of ritual.

For example some cultures still throw spears over the body to ward off spirits.

In our culture, homes from a more rural time were built with a “death room” included, and when a village member died, the village participated in the ritual, the wake, and the funeral, and the bereaved wore black to symbolize their grief, which meant in part that they were going to withdraw from the normal village transactions for awhile.

I think it is interesting to read of the evolving funeral industry from its ancient roots, and also the evolving interest of my profession in grief and the grieving process.

By the way, grief does not always deal with just human death. We grieve pets, possessions, marriages, ideas, ideals, traditions, anything important to us which is gone suddenly.

I remember from my own youth, very young in the early 1950′s, our family car, which was one of the first models available after WWII, burned in the barn on our farm, and how my parents wept.

The car was important for my Dad to get to and from work, and it represented upwardly mobile success for my parents also, and the setback was hard to take.

Fast forward a few decades, to when I began working in the addictions field, and becoming amazed at what intense pain often lay under or within addictions.

So grieving and grief therapy became an informal part of the addiction recovery process.

Men spoke of physical abuse, women spoke of sexual abuse, as a rule of thumb, the point being that many addicts experienced a betrayal of trust at the hands of family members, and had there been grief therapy available, perhaps the pain could have been cleared more effectively.

The purpose of grief I believe is to clear away the wreckage of the old, so that the new can grow, and if we do not process grief effectively, it is very difficult to trust in closeness or relationship.

Grief is like the winter of emotional life, and necessary for the spring and rebirth.

However we humans can get stuck in our grief, and it is then that perhaps a grief therapist is necessary for us to let go and move on.

I have been to many experiential workshops, holotropic breathwork, New Warrior Adventure Weekends, where folks have opened the door to unfinished grief from decades prior, from veterans working on survival guilt, or father’s grieving the loss of sons and daughters, children grieving the loss of parents to death, or addiction, and the healing from that grief therapy process can be profound, when the folks involved in the community trust in the sacredness of the work.

In my own anger management and domestic violence programs, I routinely have clients who tap into a deep pain around a loss, and I need to have a model for them to make sense of what is happening.

A great model for that kind of grief therapy is psychodrama, but what we counselor’s call “set and setting” is integral to safety and trust, and psychodrama may not be appropriate for an educational class or workshop.

There are other models for dealing with complicated grief, or disenfranchised grief, for example, which are aspects of grief being delineated in more current research on grief therapy.

The first model of grief that I came across in my professional development was the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model, with its five stages, denial, bargaining, anger, tears, and acceptance, and it has proven to be very useful in letting folks know there is a rhyme and reason to their experience.

Just knowing that they are not “going crazy” is a relief, and the relationship between anger and sadness is a very important piece of what I teach my anger management and domestic violence classes, so that they can be aware that anger is a great way to get out of a vulnerable feeling state, but anger, like all emotions, demands an action which will of course be different than tears, with its own consequences.

Of course, acceptance is what all of us are striving for, that day when I wake up and think of my loss and do not experience that intense feeling, maybe a bit of nostalgia or melancholy, but then I get on with the business of living a life that respects the memory of the dear departed.

About the Author
Michael S. Logan is a brain fitness expert, a counselor, a student of Chi Gong, and licensed one on one HeartMath provider. I enjoy the spiritual, the mythological, and psychological, and I am a late life father to Shane, 10, and Hannah Marie, 4, whose brains are so amazing. http://www.askmikethecounselor2.com

Filed under: memorial, memorials, Overcoming Grief, Overcoming Grief and Loss   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: anxiety, bereavement, burial, grave, hurt, loss, sympathy

Stages of Grief – Debunking the Myth

02Mar11

Theories about the stages of grief abound, but the idea that there are definitive stages of grief has led to an epidemic of people thinking they aren’t grieving properly. As if grief isn’t hard enough, we now sit in judgment of our grief.

The people who have theorized about the stages of grief never meant for them to be used this way, but this is how they are now being used by the bereaved and professionals alike. They are so ubiquitous they have become little more than a cultural cliché being applied to playoff and political losses as well as actual deaths.

Though it can be argued that grief is grief, it’s important to note that the original research conducted by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was studying recently diagnosed cancer patients. For me, there are significant differences between a population of patients anticipating their own death and people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance all sound great and many think they describe a linear path through grief which they do not. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross recognized this shortcoming but that hasn’t stopped many of us from latching on to this as the way through grief.

The truth is there is no linear path. Each individual person grieves differently. A variety of responses are common among family members grieving the same loss. And different losses will be experienced differently by the same individual. The disheartening truth is no two deaths are alike.

Yes, we might experience one or all of the 5 stages of grief at some point, but I can think of an endless number of other responses we’re just as likely to experience.

Many responses mimic depression. Some of the most common that fall into this category are exhaustion, the inability to concentrate and sleeplessness. Other feelings like relief (more common than many like to admit) don’t fit neatly into the stages of grief at all.

I’m not saying you ‘re not going to experience these things. There’s a good chance you will, but not necessarily. What I can say with certainty, is that even if you do experience all of these “stages”, you will not experience them in any kind of linear fashion, and you will probably experience each of them many times, not just once before you’re done.

Sticking with the framework of the stages of grief, it would not be unusual for a person to go from denial to depression, back to denial, on to anger, back to depression, then a bit of acceptance only to go back to denial, anger or depression. It is also common for anger and the various symptoms of depression to return years later. These return visits are generally short-lived but speak to the ever evolving and incomplete nature of grief.

So although, the stages of grief describe certain states that may or may not be experienced when you’re grieving a death, there is no way these stages provide a logical path for anyone to follow. Trying to turn them into a linear path creates many more problems than it solves, and does a real disservice to people who are grieving the loss of someone they love.

 

About the Author

Susan L. Fuller is the author of ‘How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died’. She is a grief expert who has facilitated bereavement support groups, provided follow up bereavement services for hospice families and trained hospice volunteers . She is licensed in Massachusetts as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. For more information, go to: http://www.SurviveYourGrief.com

Filed under: Counselling, Dealing With Grief and Loss   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: bereavement, death, funeral, grief, hurt, loss, memorial, pain, remembrance, sympathy, widow

Grief and Loss: Another Perspective

02Mar11

Grief and loss is a multifaceted counselling field based on the loss of someone or something. “Grief is our response to loss, particularly the death of a loved one. Grief can affect our thoughts, feelings, behaviours and beliefs, and our relationships with others. Many people experience feelings of sadness and anxiety.

The experience of grief can sometimes feel wave-like; a person may feel that their grief is behind them, but are then surprised when their grief suddenly comes back. It is important to recognise that grief is a normal experience and that the process of grieving does require experiencing the pain of the loss. Grief is a process and not an event. Most people will continue to grieve in subtle ways for the rest of their lives”. (Grief explained, 2006).

Another Perspective on Grief & Loss

The assumption that grief is a normal and inevitable process in life has induced some theorists to affirm that all psychological problems result from one or more grief-related processes. In this context, the concept of loss can be re-constructed: it is a condition in life, which could be disturbed equally by the lack of a desired element (such as the presence of a beloved one) or the presence of an undesired element (such as the memory of a traumatic event).

The Origins of Grief

Grief has its roots in the development of society. Humans are social beings, and therefore, have a need to relate to others in their social environment. When this need in not fulfilled a sense of loss and grief is experienced.

Dealing with Grief

Individuals should not try to combat grief, as this will normally lead to frustration and negative behaviour. Grief is a natural and practically inevitable process in our lives. However, dealing with grief is not only practical, but necessary in order to invoke happiness and fulfilment.

Person centred therapy is the first approach used in a case of grief and loss. The counsellor, or mental health professional, will create a supportive environment conducive to expressing emotions.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is commonly used in cases of unresolved grief. CBT’s approach is based on the theoretical rationale that the way people feel and behave is determined by how they perceive and structure their experience. This therapy proposes that change comes about by changing the client’s thinking about the situation. Once the client has perceived loss in a productive way, he or she will be able to control their emotions and deal with grief.

Another strategy to deal with grief is by substitution. The client will develop a set of ‘substitute needs’ which will serve to fulfil the losses experienced in different areas of life. If the substitute needs are in place, the perception of loss will not exist, and therefore grief will not be as conducive to negative behaviour.

References:

Better Health Channel (2006) Grief explained. Retrieved 20 July 2006 from the World Wide Web: www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Grief_explained?OpenDocument

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About the Author

Pedro Gondim is a writer and publisher for the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. The Institute is Australia’s largest counsellor training provider, offering the internationally renowned Diploma of Professional Counselling. For more information, visit www.aipc.net.au/lz.

Filed under: Bereavement Counselling, Coping With Grief Loss   |  Leave a Comment
Tags: bereavement, funeral, hurt, memorial, pain, remembrance, sympathy, widow